naatasha isahak

eew

2010-06-23T21:34:00.003+08:00

what a walking contradiction.

sydney. singapore. sydney. singapore. i have been reminded by helene how much i have mentioned that i have hated sydney. so why am i applying for jobs in sydney? why should i work here? why should i even entertain a life here? after all dont i miss everything back home?

how easily have i forgotten what it is like being home. at times i feel only li gets me. gets me when i happen to contradict myself countless times. e.g. why would i be in a long term relationship if i dont want to get married? or how i wish for holidays during school term and yearn for school when its the holidays? or how i hate people who are noisy but hate awkward silences? and finally, how do you explain that i hate sydney but i am considering to stay for a bit? but then again................ dont people change? cant i change what i like and do not like? -- i wish people would listen sometimes. take time to not interrupt me mid sentence and make me sound like a complete idiot. i mean i do give them that courtesy. but why couldnt they?

dont ask me questions when you seek to judge me. dont pretend to be interested in my opinions or care about what i think when you only want to impose your ideas on me. dont ask me for my contributions when you dont want to hear them. i never asked you to listen to me. i never seek you to console me. i pick my favourites i admit. but mind you, its for a very very good reason.

so for you.. my friends who think you know me. here's the bit. you dont. dont tell me what i would do or wouldnt do. it wasnt me who talks to you about myself. rather its you who asked. and you who pried. so mind your own fucking business.

Day 10 in India

2009-10-10T20:15:00.002+08:00

Okay things arent so bad like it did a couple of days ago. but as always i feel homesick. i hate this feeling like the hours are longer the minutes are forever and GAWD what am I going to do.. Somehow or rather this year have been a year of slight regrets with teeny inspiring moments that prevents me from killing myself. i have 20 more days to go and i cant wait to get out of india. no offence.. the country is lovely. people are friendly. food are uber nice. but i cannot live in a place where connectivity is so sparse.. okay got to go now to go and buy some credits :)

it was we

2009-08-21T06:33:00.002+08:00

it was a night to remember
i cant forget how good we looked together
it was back in 03.
when our days were so free

it was that picture that got me through
on those days that i couldnt find you
it was just a bit to get by
i look forward to sunny days and blue skies

it was so beautiful
it was so perfect
you fill up my soul
with golden specks
it was all i ask for
it was all i can imagine
i have never liked anyone more
youre the best ive ever seen
and i love that it was we
it was we

5 weeks to home.

2009-08-08T21:54:00.002+08:00

well ive never!!!

it feels weird. with some much going on. crud i miss you so bad. i didnt even have time to write here anymore. i didnt expect this. why does this hurt? why does this still hurts? you suck! .. haiz.. i wish i can pluck every bad thoughts and feelings ive got and kill it with betadine.

5 more weeks to home and i cant wait.

one of those days

2009-04-20T10:03:00.003+08:00

haiz~ naat why are you so emotional these days?

sometimes you have to be cold and ignore all these. you know what you are doing. and sometimes some questions would mislead you horridly. you just need to chill. but unfortunately you have been so caught up in your own thoughts you forget to build a barrier when you need to. how many times have you heard ridiculous notions and ignored them as you go along. clam down. dont be sad. FOCUS. you havent been doing that lately. remember, things would in the end be irie.. but that being said-- i fucking hate her too

weekend and monday morning blurbs

2009-03-23T05:56:00.004+08:00

oh for pete's sake- like as if im hot enough to make you feel like that..

gawd i miss you so much i cant and wont even think straight. this friggin sucks~

stats assignment by this friday.
tissue eng quiz next monday.
lit review chapter overdued.
blood induction training friday.

lets rock like there is no tomorrow and my head is connected to my body with a spring.

wa wa wa.!!

another day in school

2009-03-16T06:07:00.002+08:00

what's the point?
fuck im so lonely...

okay so this is week 2 of actual coming to school everyday. oh my gawd i wonder how did i manage to come this far without being used to coming to school on a regular basis? .. sheesh. it should be a breeze and anyways its like work right.. -_- i need to get myself a sugar daddy ASAP.. but unfortunately, i have very low tolerance for bald guys.. haaah~ oh well guess you would have to do sayang. haha

someone please kill me or give me a bloody QF.

low

2009-01-31T10:55:00.002+08:00

what a great low today has been.. *chin up naat*

i feel tired. i imagine if he would be around it would be alot nicer. even more so with how im feeling right now. its time to make a time line. to reorganize my thoughts. i want to go home. i miss home right now. *i have to learn to let it go~*

oi BIMBO!!!

2009-01-30T11:54:00.002+08:00

i should read things in more detail next time...

i dont know why i havent been reading things in detail. its like my brain went on fritz and im not thinking these days. what is wrong with me.. waaah.. bleurgh

2009-01-26T15:19:00.001+08:00

hiaz.. i feel like.. ouch.

i dunno why- but i have this eeky feeling that my boyfriend's cheating on me..

i hate this feeling.

after the heat.

2009-01-25T09:46:00.003+08:00

where you are today. i hope you sleep well.

ive always thought that i could depend on you
it seems that i have been selfish for thinking so.
i want to tell you something new
but it has always been the same old low.
and the man i wish to kiss all these time
he thinks that i have been needing him too long.
and i try to find my own rhyme
and rhythm to my very own song.
but lost i am without you by my side
cause you dont seem to learn to understand
that you have been most of all my rights
and it has always been you to be my man.

i wish i didnt need you the way that i needed you
to walk these streets alone without any humour
left to make me laugh at all the blue
it doesnt matter anymore when all the colours....are gone.

it takes the heat to take the heat out

2009-01-24T10:51:00.003+08:00

its 40degrees celcius out here.. i have never been anywhere this ridiculously hot...

its been only 3 weeks since ive been in sydney. and i guess things are alright now. people get worried about me being lonely. and me being bored. and to certain extent, i was. i guess the past few weeks i have been trying a little to hard to adjust that i almost forgetting to adjust. what do i mean? just sitting at home issint so bad. watching flicks on my computer issint so bad. and like what sid says, i think waaaay too much.. maybe thats why me and ali fought. i just need to make a molehill of a mountain now.. everything's easy and everything's gonna be irie..

-but i do miss home. but now that missing of home is just remembered and noted.. i dont dwell on it not because i dont want to dwell on it.. ive just gotten used to. and yes i am lazy to get out to the city coz hell its friggin hot outside and im on the eastern suburbs.. i cant imagine how hot it would be in the city~ when im ready, i'll see more of sydney. but for now, i guess im contented with staying home and watching bleach or that 70s show reruns..

mental note, go home in january next year.. it is ridiculous here! :P

to ali.

2008-12-06T02:52:00.005+08:00

it all moves fast. but when i look at my watch the watch is still the same. the time's the same. then i start to wonder. whether time stood still or do i have to change the battery on this thing?.

i was looking through 6years of memories all crammed in a tiny adidas box with an orange shoe hanging by the side. i was torn at which picture to bring. which love letter that would remind me of the us i want to remember. to choose between an albino bisson or the cream teddy bear he knew i love. and if i had the choice, id bring everything including you in my pocket along with my lighter and ciggarettes. as much as i look forward to this, i dread it. and i want to write you a love song, letter or whatever- but sayang~ its so weird how loss at words i am right now.

could it be the day you first brought me to the zoo? or the moments we ate pizzas at sarpinos? or maybe the time we played uno and ate fish and chips (without the chips)? that night we kept singing to darkness down orchard road? or whenever we stopped over any cafes to watch bleach or any anime? the valentine's day you sent flowers from vietnam? the day i ran to you when i saw you at the airport? the days we sat on a hill with twisties and tea and just talked about everything until the sky turned starry? the first time we made out under the gazebo? the first kiss at the void deck? the time we played thumb wrestling? the first date we had watching lord of the rings?

how? how could i shrink it to a page? when i feel like being with you was so magnificent it felt like i was touching the universe. and all i want to say is that i love you and there isn't anything else that could describe what i am feeling right now. you have been my thrill. my want. my addiction. my need. my almost everything.- please let me have you for a little longer. and a little more after that. and maybe forever after that- whenever forever might be.

-loving you always hunny tongue

naatasha

while everything's happening

2008-10-10T03:28:00.003+08:00

clearly im disturbed. im blogging.

i just cant stop panicking.

i just confirmed an apartment in randwick, sydney.

mugging for my project has never been harder.

waiting for my visa to come through.

have to buy a bag.

toiletries.

clothes.

winter wear?

change my OS.

get my laptop fixed.

do i have to get a laptop?

busy tutoring.

busy working.

busy meeting up with everybody.

oh my.

my head.

where did my head go?????????

ranting

2008-10-09T02:15:00.002+08:00

EEeeeEEE..

blardy loser!

putih is so irritating tonight! gawd

im so tired.

i hate my maid.

i need a freaking place to STAY in Sydney.

i have to finish studying.

i'll miss him.

hai~ im missing him...

jeez.

missing you

2008-10-02T02:06:00.003+08:00

i miss you. and it was only a day. tell me how am i going to make it now?

suddenly. im scared. i have accepted the offer from University of New South Wales and i would be starting school in february next year.. im excited to study in sydney. to live on my own. to have the freedom and the challenges. to see somehing new..

but im gonna miss you. and that sucks. im gonna miss the way you smell like either substation or old socks. the way youd play thumb wrestling with me. everytime you scrunch up your face. or pout. or laugh with your eyes close. or keep having things flying to your eyes. see food. cheeks kissing. our late night conversations.. everything..

and it hits me.. i dont wanna leave you.. :( hai

what happened to me this week.

2008-09-18T02:10:00.004+08:00

on a lighter note;

i've got a job!
i've got an offer from Queensland University.
and i've picked up jogging.

move aside!!! tub of lard coming through!!

2008-09-18T02:10:00.002+08:00

why are relationships complicated? and why growing up issint easy? and why do we hesitate when things go our way sometimes? and why do i keep putting on these weight?

oh my! oh my! OH MY!

i think i could have tried EVERYTHING. but it just wouldnt go away. and sometimes i just get depressed with it all. i wish i could get a hold of myself. but im just spiraling and it annoys me. it frustrates me.

i wish i could be like everyone else sometimes. i look around and i envy the people around me. but ali keep telling me to look at what i have and stop. and its not that im not thankful with what ive got. just that.. i keep wanting what i dont have. i mean, am i alone? .. i dont think so. but everyone seem to be so self righteous to think its a ridiculous thought that never crossed their minds.

despite what you say, the grass is always greener!

...

2008-09-13T04:25:00.001+08:00

a deep realisation hit me tonight.

and im stumped.

and off to work i go.

2008-08-27T04:28:00.002+08:00

i have an idea. that could solve all the problems. that make the world a better place. that makes us smile forever. but i got caught up. with all these. and i forgot it...

i couldnt believe it. but i guess im in the ditch again. and i hate it. being given that glimpse of hope. and been shut out just to make you feel what a joke you are. and i am just tired of it.

i almost killed myself the other day. and some how now im upset that i didnt succeed..

everyday ticks like a time bomb. and i jus cant wait for the day i would get out. god knows i cant take anymore of this. and how badly i want to be away from so many..

on a lighter note, taylor kitsch is so cute... !♥♥♥

ASH live in Singapore 2nd October

2008-08-09T04:05:00.002+08:00

i actually remember jamming to this with the girls..

E3 x6 A0 x2 A3 x4 D0 x4

repeat 4 times..

only you knoww.....

oh my. talk about nostalgic lah~ PLUSSSSSSS its post raya! i wanna go man! :D kumpul2 duit..

so khir got tunang.. so thats kinda kewl. i mean who else issint getting married these days? EVERYONE just getting on the mariage wao. even people i didnt know had boyfriends and girlfriends are getting maried. kudos to you guys!!! .. and me? no no .. i have kathmandu to plan. i have schools to go.

naat.. you have to stop. youre making us look bad.

i dont htink the working world is ready to take me in. i dont think im ready to take in the working world. the moolah's tempting. but to study is even more so..

oi naat! dah kul 4am plus.. besok tuition at 10 am!!!!

shit.

+++ . S . I . C . K . +++

2008-08-02T19:25:00.002+08:00

the mind stops moving. the heart waived its beating. the air feels like it sinks. and bothersome fills you. you get lost in your stagnant thoughts. and you wonder if you ever make sense. or are you just trying to sound deep and profound.

i miss you.
but everytime i say this, it feels like the words are just tied to little helium balloons and floats in the heavens, never reaching your ears.

i dont know what is wrong with me lately. i think the viral flu have gotten me real hard this time. last week ive gotten a serious asthma attack. on neb for 2 sessions and gotten off wheezing but left me shaking due to the neb.. i was put on ventolin medication for a week. and last night, my whole body ache. like not muscle ache. like when you touch, it aches. its just difficult to describe it. but i woke up this morning with swollen lymph nodes. i was supposed to meet li. but in the end, we had to cancel coz he had a funeral to attend and i ended up sleeping. anti histamines. antibiotics.. and right now.. an upset stomach... -_- i hate feeling sick.. bleurgh.

woha way whee whoa wait hey!

2008-08-01T15:04:00.003+08:00

you know how you think everything is just gonna fall into place? well i feel like im just falling. the very point of my life that i thought i have it all figured out, i have never felt more lost! ..

take my degree for example. i realise that with a materials engineering degree, you need to have experience to be a materials engineer. but thats kinda tricky considering that no one wants to give you the experience. i have experience in biomaterials. in research but without a first class honours, youve just dug yourself a grave coz who gives a damn that you have 2 international research publications.

speaking of research i have been applying for masters with research. suddenly i dont think its a rad idea. the more i dwell on the application. the proposal. why? coz.. everyone looks at me like im some litle girl who knows nuts.. WHY? do i seriously perceive a bimbo aura.. ??? haiz.. so maybe i should take masters with coursework. maybe just anything to get out of here.

and it so doesnt help that i dont have the support from my folks. that i have people so close to me telling me that i should do this and that when we all know all i can manage right now is curl up and suck my thumb. :(

to whom it may concern

2008-07-15T03:24:00.003+08:00

im tired of asking you stay.

i want to find myself. i have alot to plan. i want to do alot of things. im tired of being upset. i feel alot of things like these. but then i wonder what you think and what you feel. but apparently its different now. you tell me i keep secrets. but you dont tell me what you think. is that the same? or have i misunderstood it somehow?

i dont need the complications in my life. i took the bus today. and i believe i can be alone. and i wont cry for you this time. and if you want to go. i think i have heard enough of you wanting to go. when you've said it so many times. i guess it becomes what you really want.

i love you. but what the heck kan? not that it matters anymore. thank you for your time.

yours sincerely,
naatasha

updates thus far..

2008-07-11T01:07:00.003+08:00

okay i havent been blogging coz alot have been happening.. i feel like my head's apart right now.

ONE, ive graduated. like officially. like totally. like im so gonna not only flick my hair but my stupid looking hat. - the weird bit about this is that everyone usually looks forward to their first degree. you know where you put on a gown that you'd never wear. get the cert took you eons to get.. and then just the other day i went to collect my transcript, i felt depressed. strangely, extremely depressed. WHY? you ask?.. coz my qualification's printed on a piece of paper i think could be easily bought from popular bookstore. thats why!!! (fuck bastard... ) anyways. its a friggin expensive piece of cheap ass paper (wat a oxymoron..) some good it does me now.. coz everywhere i look, fuck, they are asking for MASTERS.. bleurgh..

TWO, i just came back from my eurotip. i'll link the pics soon enough.. i havent gotten my sabbatical to do this.. so im so sorry guys.. starbucks been keeping me busy as always.

THREE, im quitting starbucks btw.. YEE HAA.. like finally kan? i mean im so scared that i would spend the rest of my pathetic life there... they are a nice bunch of people. and in my years in starbucks.. it has given me alot of memories. mostly sweet. sometimes weird. a few bad ones. and one or two.. unforgettable and regrettable ones... hai~ but thats life kan???

FOUR, im losing friends. dont think i dont see it. i see it. its my uber laziness to hang out with anyone else but li. i mean. he has the transport. and everyone else is so used to him. it sometimes tango between familiarity and personal preference. what to do kan? im trying people. im trying. im meeting az and is next week. im bringing ryan around tmrw. so yea.. im trying..

FIVE, im not a bimbo!! :P

[day 1]

2008-05-26T00:57:00.002+08:00

i smoked only 2 sticks and im bloody happy!

day 1 of TRYING to quit. so people instead of mocking me, show some support!

im kinda tired of being controlled by a pack of ciggies honestly.. and plus. smoking makes me fart more.. :P

today im very proud of myself. coz i smoked coz li wanted to smoke.

but ive got a feeling tmrw would be different. hai~

24th may gig at beat merchants

2008-05-25T01:56:00.002+08:00

*my heart breaks* everytime i feel like saying that i hear all my friends echo *what? another drama naat?* i know they wont outrightly tell me that.. but strangely i feel like that. but i dunno why i get sensitive lately.

you fucking bastard. i fucking hate you and your fucking face and your fucking long hair.

so... Is said i looked very happy :D which is good. coz i was very happy.. i just went to an impromptu gig for a bit just now and saw a few old bands and some good ones which i saw last year but didnt quite remember the name of the band. misissued was awesome. stage presence, sound, energy.. damn.. and plus the boys dont look too horrid.. tho nothing was quite the money maker than ceramic circle.. hahaha.. what?? they had a groupie for pete's sake.. any organizer would want to put them up. :P its a compliment..

p.s.: i miss watching ceramic circle tho.

i saw 180.. shoe size 9.. but i must say, seeing my friend Is and his band, 20 dischanger, perform was uber nostalgic. i was singing along to one of their songs even.. suddenly there i was not really surrounded by friends but enjoying my time. after the gig, my ears were ringing and i was elated. :D

till i fucking saw your fucking face you fucking piece of fucking KNNCCB!

a step to knowing who i am??

2008-05-13T01:36:00.002+08:00

I scored 39 on Dr. Phil's personality test

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

haiz how true...

i do expect what i give in return.. like if im nice to you, be nice to me.

the bane of the people around me.

2008-05-12T04:35:00.005+08:00

one person to consider is tough as it is..

i wish i knew what to do. i wish i knew what i wanted in life. i wish i am the person people see me as. i wish someone bothers to understand the person i am that people dont see. i wish i knew who i was and who i am.

so i drank. yes. i drank. alcohol. so what? does that make me lesser of a person than i used to be? judge me. tell me that what i did was wrong. my morals compromised. im not a good person. the fact that i care about my friends and family. the fact that im ethical at my workplace. the fact that i try to please everyone else. im lesser of a person simply because i smoked and i drank. for the record, im fucking pissed off with the fact that people label other people good or bad company based on the things they do in respect to society's norms and expectations. whatever happened to just getting to know someone, regardless race or religion, sans the discrimination, and instead respect, understand one another and like someone without the ulterior motive?? are my thoughts too idealistic to ask for this? hai~

argue with me till sheeps come home. there are so many things i want to say to other people. but i dont say it. i can be judgemental if i wanted to. do i tell you looked ugly with a chicken half way your throat? no i dont so you could blissfully enjoy that drumstick half way down your throat. i considered how you would feel. didnt i? how about me asking that from everyone else?

men are not supposed to have long hair. men dont bitch. if you wear a tudung, you speak for the muslim community, like it or not. get a stable income before you decide to get married. you arent supposed to drink either. dont be late for work. try get a part time job if you are complaining about money. being educated is part of the religion jackass! try study harder if you care about your parent's income so you wont repeat so much. kentz is not a fucking word. dont test my patience. since when being good was fashionable? since when i though being bad was fashionable?

oh fuck, you suck.

w. i. l. d.

2008-05-10T11:31:00.005+08:00

oh for pete sake.. prostitutes are not WILD.. they just have a compromised moral value for the sake of money...

why do my folks like to dramatize something so small? but then again i think this is the case for most parents in the world. to a point that among teenagers or young adults like moi, dont see it as a problem or among your top 100 reasons to either commit suicide or to runaway from home..

so what is it that got my folks flipped out? first, let me remind you, im 23 this year. ive recently finished my exams. and in a few months i hope (badly!) that i could graduate from school. so yesterday.. instead of going home straight.. we went off to eat prata plaster and teh .. harmless enough? i came home at 6+ am .. apparently, my mom considers that WILD -_- what a drama queen~..

i swear to you.. i would be a social R-tard if ALL i do is listen to mommy.. :P

P.S.: btw.. zouk was awesome ;) hahaha

when the crisp's gone..

2008-04-26T13:12:00.003+08:00

im a girl that wants to be wooed~

sometimes you feel the slight loneliness. the detachment. youd think coz its the comfort of an old relationship. where spark dies. you take both for granted. the feeling's not crisp anymore. alot like when you have cooked spaghetti a little too long. the expiry date has gone by long ago without you noticing.. so what do you do?

(a) you stay.. hope that its a phase?
(b) you leave.. and risk thinking youve just passed up on what could be the best thing you had going in your life?
(c) you stay and look for someone to up the spark.. cause an unnecessary heartache to all parties.
(d) you kinda go numb.. you live life hoping that he could see the vacant space in your eyes and willing to bring that love back to you~ ...

and another round begins

2008-04-03T19:31:00.002+08:00

it was supposed to be nothing.
it was supposed to be easy.
it wasnt supposed to have so many supposed feelings.
it wasnt supposed to be crazy.. .. ..

to mrklgone.

for the exam period.. the sign on my door should be

2008-03-30T13:54:00.004+08:00

BEWARE

do not feed enclosed animal.

may exhibit dangerous behaviour with or without provocation.

do not come near unless properly equipped with chocolates or PSP.

petting with caution is advised for own safety.

go back to the 90's

2008-03-21T12:52:00.004+08:00

the world sudddenly stops to realise
how busy they've been with everything else
when ideas are just exaggerated to something big
and soul searching is what they seek

i promise not to try not to let you down ...

exam count down : 25 days

the end is almost near and it is scary that i have the mixed feelings of wanting it to end as soon as possible and asking for more time. and now i find myself wanting to travel back in time and go back to the 90's where i was just a kid trying to beat the norm from listening to backstreet boys and singing along to eve 6 and having greenday cassettes in my bag. i sometimes feel like this is how our folks might have felt.

lately ive been talking to an old friend. its quite interesting how our humour still clicked after all these years and though he is chinese and wont get malay jokes very well, im surprised how easily i can laugh with him about the same jokes. from dilbert to marvel to just anything... its very rare that i can keep a friend this long. i thot besides aththa who is my neighbour, sheereen who is my schoolmate for 7 years, azreen who i hardly lost contact - i never thot i would be able to hold a conversation that long with someone ihavent met for years!.. and thats uber kewl.

i miss my youth where im not much of a youth. it was the then rebellious phase to be so adult. to be so jaded. to love rock. to listen to alternative. to wear jeans and t shirts and converse and not bother about make up or hair wax. it was the time where glasses werent so bad and no one bother about plucking eyebrows. to hold a guitar. to skate on your off days. to wear several friendship bands.

phone

2008-02-27T01:16:00.002+08:00

ring ring.
it vibrates. and then it sings.
you wonder if it is someone you know.
sometimes you wish it is someone you are expecting.
other times you just wish you didnt pick it up
ring ring.
a thought wonders fast.
like blink. like bright. like what is that?
you breathed you motioned
you said hello like a question.
ring ring.
ooO? a slight up. a slight pitch.
you expect a slight down a slight low.
the same words to answer your question
a clue to the ponder in session.
ring ring.
5 seconds silence feels too long.
normally youd wait longer at the door or in a que.
but this doest not warrant wait..
you repeat with a slight impatience like its fate
ring ring.
what the hell? who is this?
but a fumble and a tumble explains a whole lot more
more than the news of war of hit and miss
you hear a rub.. rub a dub dub shhhh..
ring ring.
alas! a reply. a little clueless. a little jumble.
a little deep. a little bright. a little familiar.
just the sound it seems expected to be so expectedly happy
i should have known from my caller ID, its always Ali~

unforgiven

2008-02-26T17:06:00.003+08:00

New blood joins this earth And quickly he's subdued Through constant pained disgrace The young boy learns their rules With time the child draws in This whipping boy done wrong Deprived of all his thoughts The young man strugggles on and on he's known A vow unto his own That never from this day His will they'll take away What i've felt What i've known Never shined through in what i've shown Never be Never see Won't see what might have been What i've felt What i've known Never shined through in what i've shown Never free Never me So i dub thee UNFORGIVEN They dedicate their lives To running all of his He tries to please then all This bitter man he is Throughout his life the same He's battled constantly This fight he cannot win A tired man they see no longer cares The old man then prepares To die regretfully What i've felt What i've known Never shined through in what i've shown Never be Never see Won't see what might have been What i've felt What i've known Never shined through in what i've shown Never free Never me So i dub thee UNFORGIVEN That old man here is me You labeled me I'll label you So i dub thee UNFORGIVEN

not a good day today

2008-02-25T12:08:00.001+08:00

i am absolutely irritated..... -_-

can things go any worse for me? wait dont answer me that... i know the answer and i dont want to come to terms with that.. i'll smell you another time have to rush my chapter 1.

my life falls apart and i want to runaway.

2008-02-24T02:58:00.004+08:00

it sucks i tell you... it sucks...

i dunno if anyone reads this. but tonight, ive got less than 3 hours of sleep before my next shift. i feel like dying. i feel like vomitting. but it has been two weeks that i havent got proper sleep. and my head is playing all sorts of shit with me.

hello.

do you know that i still remember? oh wat the fuck. you dont care.

hello.

doxorubicin hydrochloride canNOT be used for blardy liver cancer -idiot!!!!

hello.

are you okay love?

hello.

for the LAST FRIGGIN TIME!!!! TO GO or FOR HERE?!?!?!?!?!

hello.

i need you. but i dont have you. and when i do have you. i would prefer something else. then i'll trade you. then i want you back in my life... WHY?! tell me WHY its always like this with you, money?????

hello.

eigo-o hanashi mas ka?

hello.

i miss the old days girls...

hello.

hello? hello? hello???????

bye

persepolis

2008-02-21T00:25:00.002+08:00

one of the better films on political views and growing up.
i had to look up this part of the film on youtube after watching the movie just now!

GO CATCH PERSEPOLIS!

its evil man

2008-02-19T17:16:00.001+08:00

valentines day 2008

2008-02-15T17:20:00.002+08:00

hey there. do you know how valentines' day went for me? it was sweet. it was great. it was fun. but more importantly, it was spent EXACTLY how ANY of our dates went. except of course none of our other dates was spent hoping from one mall to another looking for places to eat since most of them are cramped with other valentine-ers... (=_=)

a nice start to the year rite??
hai hope so..

kiss--- bleurgh

2008-02-01T09:15:00.000+08:00

<3<3<3<3<3(♥_♥) love is in the air. love is in the air. ~~~~~~~~

amidst the flyers advertising cheap CHEAP CHEAP roses for valentines' day i dunno how more singaporean can you get (o_O), and my inbox being flooded with "this month love would find you-sagittarius~" i can seriously say everyone's infatuated with the season. its pandemic i tell you. breaks with the girls are filled with "i wonder who would give me flowers this year" or "i miss my ex so much" or "you think my girlfriend would plan anything for me?"(ò_ô) serious kapa???

you wonder how a commercialized hallmark event suddenly be the cause of probing questions about life, future, status, attractiveness, envy etc... to be loved, to love, to be wanted, to want, the part in your life that prolly people invested MILLIONS on. i mean think about it. makeup, clothes, education, matchmaking agencies, horoscope readings, palmistry, restaurants, spas, slimming centers, the 101 beauty regime products, and sooooooo on... MILLIONS ($_$) and it all kinda suddenly get all prominent, like that swollen ripe pimple smack on your nose, on valentine's day, IS THERE SOMEONE OUT THERE? *cue: x-files theme song* so you wait, on vday and hope you get your roses or end up obssessing about it the next year...

okay so i might exaggerate and chyea most of you prolly would argue. *watever kan?* but there ARE people like that. depends on whether they voice it out or not. or admit it or not. honestly kan, who wants to be alone? unless of course you are narcissist (=_=)

but, who am i to say? im celebrating my anniversary with li tmrw.. (*-*) so thats kewl!

happy anniversary li :)

happy chinese new year (n_n)

happy valentine's day everyone~! <3

asian kung fu generation

2008-01-28T12:19:00.000+08:00

people been asking me what is AKG singing about.. so id reckon id just put up the translation of it here.

Mirai no kakera

fragments of the future

With trivial words and casual gestures
With my song I just want to ascertain myself of my feelings that are coming apart

Making a sad face, showing pain
With today’s song I just want to hold back my feelings that are disappearing

Certainly I’m crawling down the rainy path like a lizard to end up somewhere
I’m waiting for what is over
Certainly it’s waiting for me

I want to tie it all together
From the day I could hear your voice, colors sprouted up
The drops that escape from my extended hands
Shine on this place, thinking of the future

With trivial misunderstandings and a misunderstood heart
With my song I just want to hold back my feelings that are coming apart

Snatching away the passing time and breaking it
Even still, I’m tying together my memories

My heart is starting to thaw
From the day I lost my voice, colors sprouted up
The drops that escape from my extended hands
Shine on this place, thinking of the future

I want to tie it all together
From the day I could hear your voice, colors sprouted up
The drops that escape from my extended hands
Are thinking of the future

I want to tie it all together
From the day I could hear your voice, colors sprouted up
The drops that escape from my extended hands
Shine on this place, thinking of the future

Here, pieces of you shine
Here, pieces of me shine

in the name of LOVE

2008-01-26T19:52:00.000+08:00

it only takes you to say hi to make the whole week sweet..

GAWD i so wish there is SOMEONE like that!!!!!! Anyway...........

valentine's day is coming and yadee yadee ya.. i know about the whole cant celebrate it coz im muslim and all but heck.. if it is any excuse to give pressies and ask for pressies, COUNT ME IN! some people tell me that love is to be celebrated everyday.. but honestly peeps, does those charming philanthropist exist in Singapore these days?

seriously, i think im unattractive. my definition of being a goddess is to trip over bouquets of flowers and picking up a ds lite to match your underwear. which by the way, i own quite a spectra collection myself. :P but no, i have to stick to my purple mp3 player and trip over cracks on the pavement- so it seems, ive got a long way to go to be one of those goddess types..

and when i really come to think about it, im only showered with gifts for valentine's day in sec 1.. thats an awfully long time ago.. so secret admirers, take note, its either cream roses or CASH(preferably more than 10 dollars.. coz i love ciggies these days)

but i guess i have to look forward to 2nd February.. especially when im broke, i wonder how am i to buy gifts for all my January friends... hai~ im so sorry kids, but this poverty stricken college girl needs to wait till her ship comes in.. i'll blanja you all in one short kaaay???

so for valentine's day or chinese new year or watever...

MUAKS!!!!!

goodbye 2007, hello 2008

2008-01-01T14:11:00.000+08:00

yesterday along with the crowd i was glad that i was with you. racing to see the fireworks and then ushering the new year year together. i wouldnt have it any other way. it was the first time we welcomed the new year together. and it was wonderful! thank you sayang. for the first date of 2008.

it has been an interesting year 2007 is. there were moments you'd want to remember and there are ones you'd want to forget. but through all of it, i wouldnt want it any other way- coz it made us the way we are today.

happy new year!!!

and may we have the strength to meet the challenges of 2008!

masterpiece..

2007-12-30T16:36:00.000+08:00

Oh my gawd why do song like these strike me to the bone..
rasanya bukan disini tapi di sini, bon-go~

Masterpiece by Meg & Dia

Too bad you knew me.
When I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready.
Did I say, "Come and get me?"
Too bad I held on.
When you tried to tell me.
This was wrong.
This was wrong

I am no masterpiece where innocence is painted green.
Isn't it strange to think that you created all of me?

Done by the hands of a broken artist.
You painted black where my naked heart is.
I finally know what wrong is.
Now I finally know what wrong is.
Carved like a stone with your hands still shaking.
On display through a soul still breaking.
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?

You can't erase these.
Lines you can't save me.
You can't display me.
You know what dismay means.
I can't even try to.
Remember what I knew.
Before I became your.
Model to claim no.
I am no masterpiece where innocence is painted green.
Isn't it strange to think how you created all of me?

I grew tired.
You expired.
You finished me.
Now that I'm all that you planned.
What do you think?

Done by the hands of a broken artist.
You painted black where my naked heart is.
I finally know what wrong is.
Now I finally know that you bleed for nothing.
Carved like a stone with your hands still shaking.
On display through a soul still breaking.
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?

butterfly

2007-12-26T14:49:00.000+08:00

lately there's been a haze that blinds my path
and in this darkness i stumble to find my way
ridiculous spontaneous meaningless laugh
that is what he seems to say everyday

would you touch the clouds to see if it is real
does it mean it doesnt exist if you cant feel
watch me fly and get through this eventually
if i seem lost yesterday, see how certain i am today

there isnt a day that goes by that i didnt think
of the things that could be and could not be
and i wonder if you would ever think
of a future between you and me

would you touch the clouds to see if its real
and does it mean it doesnt exist if you cant feel
watch us fly and get through this eventually
if we seem lost yesterday, i hope we get more certain today

i want my own heartbreak kid

2007-12-23T14:12:00.000+08:00

AAAAH AAAH SHAAAAWN!!! muahahaha

another monday night

2007-12-03T20:19:00.000+08:00

who wins?

ive got a camera~ :) im so happy..

but i cant help being so worried....

the day before the last paper.

2007-11-27T21:03:00.000+08:00

its official kids. im brain dead. who needs a heart??

im like at saturation point. but im not even half through my preparation. i feel sick. but i cant do anything about it. im just like dying... but at the moment, im in the transition period.

every time during exams i feel like im so close to death- then after my last paper i resurrect to go through the whole torment again.

why must life be so fucking cruel.???

almost there. getting close.

2007-11-26T15:17:00.000+08:00

feeling: mighty bloated~

today i feel like a dead decomposing body. i find myself just slumped on the couch watching bad music making it to mtv top 10 list. i used to remember the days where music like that would be greeted with OH MY GAWD.. EEW!.. but i guess when you see people emulating the whores and men who degrade the women to whores and talk about bling bling on tv- it doesnt seem like a big surprise.

my polymer synthesis paper was alright. alright being, lets not talk about it and make me feel worse about my answers as it is. i thought i did fairly well.. fairly being a borderline trait.

i want to graduate so badly. ive never felt more need to get out of school than i am right now. not that i dont like school. i just dont like the friggin distance to and fro.

3 papers down, one to go. then ive got 2 tests to complete... blardy hell.

irie? for how long? lets see...

2007-11-26T01:11:00.000+08:00

i had such a sweet time today. seeing nazz getting married. being okay with him. and he said i looked pretty. oh my~ *blush* ...

i swear to you, im so easily cajoled- it scares me.

but thank you very much.. thank you very much.

amidst the lonely emo- after this i must pretend everything is irie.

2007-11-24T11:02:00.001+08:00

i woke up crying again this morning.

it hurts everyday. more so when im constantly reminded of it. sometimes i wonder doesnt my opinion matter? how i feel matter? being on my best behaviour doesnt seem to help. and its times like this that maybe i get a glimpse of how stoopid girl might feel. (refer earlier posts)

i find myelf crying and saying i cant take it. and thinking i have to take it. what choice do i have? the alternative is much worse. and i cant believe that the one most important in my life would put me through this. ive tried everything. pleading. negotiating. silence. acceptance. ignorance. and still it hurts. and i do tell it hurts.

sometimes i think issit alot like the time i smoked?

why does this bother me? what issit about her? why do i care? why do i need someone to make me happy? why do i love him? why cant i walk away? why cant i accept this? why does it hurts? why must i accept this? why what i feel is not considered? why do i get people steping over my head? why do i have to deal with so many stresses at once? why cant he help me to give me a peace of my mind? why does my grandma have to share my room now? why things stop going smoothly? why of all times now? why cant things be like they used to be? why is it always me? why me?

why?

arctic monkeys :: teddy picker

2007-11-23T15:54:00.000+08:00

Despair to the point till they provoke
The punchline before they have told the joke
The sheer desperation to be scene/seen
Staring at the television screen

Despair to the point where they provoke
You to tell the fucking punchline before you have told the joke
Sorry sunshine it doesn't exist
It wasn't in the top 100 list

And it's the thousandth time and it's even bolder,
Don't be surprised when you get bent over,
He told ya, that you were gagging for it

She saw it and she grabbed it and it wasn't what it seemed
The kids all dream of making it, whatever that means
Another variation on a theme
A tangle on the television and the magazine
D'you reckon that they do it for a joke?
D'you reckon that they make 'em take an oath?
That says "we are defenders
Of any poseur or professional pretender around"

When did your list replace the twist and turn?
Ah the fist, replaced the kissed-on concern
And if you're bothered, I don't want your prayers
Save it for the morning after

And it's the thousandth time and it's even bolder,
Don't be surprised when you get bent over,
He told ya, that you were gagging for it

Lets have a game on the Teddy Picker
Not quick enough can I have it quicker?
Already thick and you're getting thicker
Lets have a game on the Teddy Picker
Not quick enough can I have it quicker?
Already thick and you're getting thicker

Asuming that all things are equal,
Who'd want to be men of the people
When there's people like you?

worst birthday to date; what a way to start being 22.

2007-11-23T15:27:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me....

this birthday takes the cake in being the most melancholic of all birthdays in my entire life.

this moning i had a paper. Advanced Characterization of Materials. how dry can that be. so yesterday night. all psyched about the paper i couldnt sleep. who did i turn to? ali. my faithful boyfriend.

i called and called. and he had his phone switched off. *bang number one* first thing that hit me is if he was in an accident. then the thought maybe he is at home watching tv like he used to. called his home- got his mom- and she asked what time did i promised him? i said no we didnt pomised to meet. i just called coz i cant reach his mobile. really? she said. i saw him brought out two helmets. i thought he is going out with you. *bang number two* so i was kinda worried and left a ton of messages- no reply.. so i scrolled and saw faizal's old msgs (i dont clear my inbox regularly) so i called faizal coz i remembered ali telling me he is hanging out with them. faizal picked up and i asked, is ali with you? no, he said. i thought he went to school. but we dont have school today. to hand in report? oh yea.. he had all our reports and he hands it in for us. so he is not meeting you? nope. okay thanks. *bang number three* so i waited and hung out with shaik since im so friggin worried over my coming exam and ali. then ali calls. HAPPY BIRTHDAY he chirped like nothing happened. you got me so damned fucking worried. where were you? sorry urh. i tgh lepak dgn budak2 and my hp low batt tak realise. you got me so worried. i know. whats with the 2 helmet? what 2 helmet? your mum said she saw you brought out 2 helmets. nolah i bought only 1. *bang* then let him talk to shaik. then passed over to me. so you tadi lepak dgn siape? who? you lepak dgn budak2 maner? oh i lepak dgn faizal. but i called faizal. he said that he didnt see you. *bang* what? oh. kaylah, i lepak dgn lela. you lied to me? *bang bang he shot me bang bang*

if lela you would ever read this, tell me am i wrong to be suspicious? tell me is your circle of friends that limited? tell me why do other girlfriends hate you? tell me i am being paranoid and there is nothing to fear. tell me i can trust you as another lady.

and ali... tell me i mean most to you that how i feel, and what i think matters. because i have always put you first. and sometimes i wish you would do the same.

again

2007-11-23T02:16:00.000+08:00

tell me... why does it have to be me?

lonely

2007-11-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

sometimes you just dont feel like being with people.

i dunno. i dont feel very sociable these past few days. and in alot of ways i miss my boyfriend who wasnt very sociable then. you know. just the two of us. hai~ things change. everyone needs friends or so they say.

speaking of friends, you know how jealousy rears its ugly head...? well thats kinda what im going through. i dont feel funny enough. confident enough. smart enough. pretty enough. girl enough. anything enough.
its like the world had a minimum height limit before you can take a ride in its MEGAfun roller coaster, and im always an inch short... and to make matters worse, you get to see your boyfriend having fun on it -_- ...

i know this sounds awful, but dont deny youve never had the thought, that if you are miserable, your loved ones are supposed to share it.. and hence that bit about "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us apart"- btw how come we muslims dont say that? all i hear is about how much the girl is sold for is not how much shes worth but how much the men could afford sheesh~...
oh i suppose its coz the men can just go off and hang out with some other chick.

BACK TO ME......its not about me trying to find myself. or have lost myself. im just lonely. in alot of ways im lonely. and i do have alot of people who cares about me. and i do, about them- care i mean. but i dunno, its like the celestial link i had with people is lost. i could try to type out all the sourness im feeling these past few days, jealous, cranky, angry, pissed off, tired, stressed, bothered, worried, etc............................ but the gist of it all, im just sad and lonely.

sometimes i wonder if its karma...

2007-11-09T11:39:00.000+08:00

bleurgh.

i cant wait. i really cant wait.

amidst all the crap that surrounds me

2007-11-08T16:21:00.001+08:00

the exams will be the death of me. at times like these, i just wanna make coffee until the day i die.

one online lecture down. and 2 to go. ive got about a week to study for 4 subjects before all hell breaks loose. by today i should cover the remaining bits of advanced analysis of materials and clear my polymer synthesis module. waaaah~ then tmrw i'll finish up biomaterials and the itsy bitzy details i missed today. and come saturday till wednesday its all about microelectronics baby! uuugh..

they say education is good for you.
and i believe them when they said it.
they also say wine prevents cancer.
so what should i do about that??

ciao~ im back to my books again.

fucked up

2007-10-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

im expired.

okay i feel shitty really. i try not to. and i dunno why. but i feel shitty. there is no amount of futurama and youtube that could cheer me up. so this is kinda big. -_-

so at my lowest point now; i think i wouldnt be in the mood to write.

but tell me, the people i know; honestly, what is wrong with me?

selamat hari raya coming soon~

2007-10-12T04:05:00.000+08:00

sunday larh syg. i main dgn you. tonight im too tired.

oi! fikir aper je!!!!

okay before i write any further, i usually post up songs or stuff with accordance to my mood or to somewhat explain how i feel. in short, it means something larh.
but this song i just put up, by fenix tx, tearjerker, is purely coz i love the song. plus its one of those songs you dont mind hearing over and over again. like an elevator music- but lagi kewl!!!

at the store today, li still makes fun of me being pedophilic.

-_-

just now i hung out with li, shahida and azfar at simpang geylang. shahida have been bugging about it since forever haha.. so wat the hell kan? layan aje. kata bulan ramadhan. haha

how long does it take for you to forgive someone. to forget the awful things people do to you. confession, i had a breakdown last thursday and it was awful coz nazz noticed i just cried like hell *muka buruk dok!!!*. so when he asked whats wrong, i had to keep quiet. family? nope. school? nope. shift? nope. ali? nope. work? nope.

so, aper kan?

its just that suddenly when i think about since may, one by one, the people in my life steps on and over my head. my folks. li. my workmates. haikel. managers. school. my brother. and it just hit me last thursday- like the last straw that broke the camel's back- i stood in the store room and cried my eyes out. i just hated being taken advantaged. i feel so used. wahahaha *anti climax urh- but for a moment, that sounded so kental!!!*

anyways, thats why the sudden revelation of thank yous. coz with li next to me, holding me taht night, he made me realise that it is not about the people that bring you down. its about the people that help you get up. thank you. you may not have realised it but so many of you have actually helped me get through another day and another.

but to forgive and forget? i think it depends on what you get to aid that process i guess. *maybe kan thats why ader duit raya wahaha*
but usuallyfor me, ciggies, roses, money and hokey pokey could make me go,
"sorry for what? i love you. you are the best :)" *alermak naat, you are so easily bought over hai~*

anyways kan,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA SEMUA!!!!

crap

2007-10-11T18:40:00.000+08:00

simply ideas walking through your mind
doing the macerena
you wonder what the heck you talk about
what goes through your mind
the mrt stops at bugis
not far from city hall
we ride with wind in our face
i fergot my toupe
lights blinded
highlights gotten dark
what we dont see
see the what we dont
random ramblings
redundancee
i miss you
i love you
meet you later
and we hooray hooray
midnight chronicles
smoke rings
good night and sweet dreams.

disarmed by flowers and fingers

2007-10-10T18:26:00.000+08:00

old friends, old love, my usuals, in my neighbourhood... this morning was such a wave of nostalgia, thank you hunny.

agaknye dier draw rabbit ke, kira gaji smalam, tak cuci.

wahaha.

its been a while i felt at ease like that. with sheereen off flying. azreen busy with school. FYP. the post drama. work. school. waaah~ haiz!

sometimes we wish things happens. but then again sometimes, we want to take back the things that we wished happened. for the longest time i was so scared about regretting the decision i made 5 years ago. but i reckon its hard to ignore that voice in your head that said "if you let him go, it would be the greatest mistake in your life!"

this was the reason i never stopped the guys in my life, and why i left the guys in my life. i remembered the time i believed that i loved the li back then and not the li now. fer real, i actually believe the shit that comes to my head to justify alot of things. but then EVERYTHING that happened, good and bad. vietnam, NS, the clubbing, the smoking, the younger boy, NTU, starbucks, li's birthday- made me see what we are and what made us the way we are. and if you ask me now, i wouldnt know alot about love. all i know it its the thing that makes you happy with butterflies in your tummy :)

when i sit behind you, hugging you, riding datan with wind in my face.

id hold you tighter and realise how much i love you.

do the dance!

2007-10-08T21:01:00.000+08:00

zul showed me this, and gawd I LOVE the tshirts man!!!!

missing someone.

2007-10-08T00:54:00.000+08:00

i miss you... please call me. you know i miss you. stop doubting its you. its you. damn it. call me already!

break time

2007-10-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

how dull can it be??

okay im on my break in store aka starbucks shaw towers. its been almost forever since ive said im gonna quit. but damn- how am i to quit when the bane is gone, the kids are sweet and lets be honest- its the only perk so far. i will be taking my leave on 15 th october... exam fever larh dok..
alermak.. nazz kay poh urh tgk blog... hahahahaha..
but okay lah.. working here is nice.. ali's getting along with the kids well.. new partners pun not too slenge.. bluek..
but i cant help missing old partners that i started work- ppl like chirstine, aggie, liyana, sunny, habib etc.. the old look pun much missed.. now none of us can really remember the colour of the old couch!!! RABAK!! hahaha

as for school urrgh... korang korang yg tgh buat FYP amacam? aku stengah mampos!!!! asyik2 must go lab.. eeew... then got lectures... eew.. then puasa.. eew.. ll the time ngantok! haiz~ bleurgh.'

okay break almost over. i miss you guys like sheereen, azren, haryati, rahmah, etc.. dah lama tak hangout.. :( mua mua. smell you guys later.. ciao~

depression hits

2007-10-05T10:53:00.000+08:00

Make this rain go away
Things would be much betterI swear
If the sun would come out today
Life would be more worthwhile

sometimes i feel like im so close to losing it. more than most people think. sometimes when they tell me im crazy, i could almost believe it. the thought of flying off the clif sometimes looks really nice. but most times i end up feeling too lazy to do much about it.

there are some of you that push me so many times that i cant help crying.
but to the yous that reach out, thank you.

mentally and physically abused

2007-09-29T14:18:00.000+08:00

i dont understand why would you hit the person who raised you, who cared for you, you paid for the roof over your head.

meet my brother. rossman isahak. self proclaimed son of the year. self proclaimed right all the time. self proclaimed love his family.

but what most people do not know is that he pushed my mother who has asthma and knee arthritis- and fell. he raised his hand on my father who has diabetes and ripe age of 50 plus, close to 60. he beats up my down syndrome eldest brother. threatens and sometimes do hit me till one time my lips bled. and almost hit my grandmother who was protecting my mother.

all this while he takes money from my mother. megerly help pays for the facilities at home that ONLY he uses. and wasted almost half a million of my parents' money to play cohabitting with his girlfriend in australia. he also lied to my folks about studying in NTU. and through this, cheated my parents and family of money amounting to more that S$10 000.

so my question on this holy pathetic month is; why would someone such as he been given the affection, the support, the understanding, etc. from the family? enlighten me please? and why in God's name must i be the younger one and wait for my education to clear through before i can plan to dissappear??

hai~. these are my frustration not only for the past few days at home but throughout my whole childhood.

personally i have no qualms about the amount of money that he milks from my family. i mean everybody has their own freedom of rights and choice. but it hurts me to see this abuse. to point that i would be hesitant to have a family. to marry. to have kids. why would i spend the better part of my life wasting my money on such an degenerate? yes i consider my brother a degenerate. and ingrate. the scum of scums of this world. i have more respect for people who are jihad terrorists than my own brother. no offense to jihad terrorists.

once in a while, i even considered and wished something bad would happen to him. or someone out there would teach him a lesson. for once, i really hope someone would read this. someone would publish this. someone would bring it to the world to show what a bad son is like.

but i suppose what bums me the most, is that, i, who wont take crap from most people, couldnt do anything about it.

they say; you can choose your friends, but you cant choose your family.

how sad that is

a bit of an update...

2007-09-22T02:03:00.000+08:00

i just couldnt forget. but today i suppose its time to move on.

tonight it was talking about our sad past again.. and weirdly, it makes us feel nostalgic at the same time glad at how things became. and damn you bang khai! i wasnt THAT fat back then.. :P

i swear i could kill myself today. the third paper and it was another easy CA- and it was all foiled cause i didnt study hard enough.. dammit DAMMIT! ... i hate it when this happens -_-

next week is supposed to be my semester break.. but gawd i have to go to school and i have to do lab and all sort of shits.. bleurgh... and the coming monday is another paper!!! when will it end?!?!?! next june naat :(

lastly but not least.. for the sake of my sanity, ive bought myself another black sketch book. ive been a constant idiot eversince i stopped sketching and writting... its time to bring it all back...

oh well, back to notes now.. hai~ toodles

why do i care?

2007-09-20T15:38:00.000+08:00

why do we ask why we are in the grave that we so intricately design ourselves?

happy together- turtles

2007-09-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

for all time baby :)

lag.lag. laging...

2007-09-03T14:47:00.000+08:00

finally. the bloody page loads up.

have i mentioned; i hate HATE NTU's connection sometimes? video streaming sucks. and you cant listen to anything from the net.

my money's wasted -_-

okay so i've got class. later. ive just waited almost half an hour just to get thus far.. which is why, the school's internet connection is such a GREAT time killer. hence why the kids here use them as much and as long coz damn it takes forever.

and lately i have never felt more off to do work as i am right now. its been like this since the hols.. like im busy but all i want to do is sleep. sleep. sleep. but i end up not sleeping. not sleeping. not sleeping. which kinda explains why the hell im not focusing. not focusing. not focusing. o_O

i hope something wonderful would happen soon. my days are going back to normal. i need excitement. drama. action. and probably it would be great to have some back up dancers and that guy who played Link from Hairspray sing a theme song to my day~ dreamy larh.
alas. reality check. ive to go to lecture. *please do not sleep!*

to all my friends that i havent been contacting lately, and youve decided to drop by, i miss you.
to ali, lets watch ra-ta-too-eee on friday? or any movie. im just itching to catch a flick.

in the name of love and all the things we dont indulge

2007-08-30T09:21:00.000+08:00

honestly, i think im going mad.

i could be thinking one thing one minute and another thing another minute. in other words, as how lau guan kian put it - unstable. maybe ive grown indecisive. emotional. pansy even over the years. less fiesty. but the loser in me who dont want to admit defeat would say "thats what i call maturity" -_-"".

i mean, in this life, i reckon we want to live with ourselves. even if it means telling ourselves things that are not true to justify the things you do, feel, think etc. or maybe its just me. i dont know- to live with the idea of loving someone who doesnt love me dont suit me well. like how that percipitate would not dissolve. same thing with every other thing that i want but couldnt get. i mean seriously, who likes being reminded or told that what youve got is second best. (though sayang, you are not second best- i dont rank these sorta things).

but youve got my point.

-inamorata

riding on a vespa

2007-08-29T01:11:00.000+08:00

when my time comes, i want everybody to know that i want to be buried face down.

so anyone who doesnt like me can just kiss my ass.

suddenly it hit me.

i dont want to be remembered.

im sick of love.

and i want to travel the world.

im tired and inlove.

2007-08-26T05:35:00.000+08:00

CMC was great! soon like this i need to talk
^-_-^ (my yoda impression- wahahaha!)

this song played twice with you in the crowd. and i thank fate for letting it happen twice. i'll promise to try to be good for a hopefully 3rd time. :) muakz*

this is how i feel for you at this moment.

2007-08-26T04:00:00.000+08:00

everytime when i sit with you
the times when you smiled that way
all my happiness, my life feels new
do you know that you take my breath away?

the used - the taste of ink

2007-08-23T02:17:00.000+08:00

enjoy folks.

MUAHAHAHA

2007-08-20T12:16:00.000+08:00

are you a tanned japanese li???

You Should Date A Japanese Guy!

You're an interesting blend of traditonal and modern
And a Japanese guy is likely to be on your wavelength
Maybe you'll show your love by dying your hair the same color
Or get married in a traditional white kimono!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

damn

2007-08-20T09:22:00.000+08:00

i can only conclude i am lazy.

actuali kan. ive got loads of things to do. like watch online lectures. like photocopying my literature. like emailing my mentor. like searching for journals. like studying. but no. these past few days ive either been pouring over fosters home for imaginary friends or that 70s show or getting myself addicted to the 101 quizzes you find on blogthings. i would do a million things other than doing my work, because for some inane reason, i just cant seem to concentrate.

i need bird's nest.

when i couldnt sleep

2007-08-20T01:31:00.000+08:00

its the hour. i got up and couldnt get back to bed. i had murtabak and banana and some fudge thing. and i thot id write this. enjoy :)

the could have beens

kisses hang. like elbows sometimes do.
words holds up. waiting. just waiting,
sometimes you dont know why youre blue
when its obvious while you keep on denying.

you try to get your heart across along with its meanings
but that stream turns out to be a channel
keep doing and saying the wrong things
coz youve just bitten off more than you can handle

finally just stop when youve lost control
realising its futile to even keep on trying
your mind and heart has taken its toll
you are just sick and tired of crying

regrets hang. like lights sometimes do.
love holds up. waiting. just waiting.
and you wish he could understand you
but lost are broken promises and feelings.

i miss writing songs.. i'll buy myself a new guitar and try to match a tune to this one next time.

that 70's show

2007-08-19T22:55:00.001+08:00

i love steve hyde!!!

we hate you ODEX!

2007-08-19T15:38:00.000+08:00

we hate you ODEX!!!!

okay. they fight about copyright laws. against downloading. coz hell they dont make money coz people dont buy their dvds and vcds.

1. the quality just sucks! how do you expect to make money when fan sites make better subtitles. better quality videos, updated and very fast with their distribution. ODEX's videos are NOT great and the subtitling for the animes are INACCURATE. for the amount of money i would cough up for such videos, i DEMAND better quality. issit Singapore's hope to force their people to purchase lack lustre service and products? that the government doesnt help its people by ensuring quality products in the market? dont make me start on slim 10... I say if the government and law could step in against the copyright law, they should step in for consumer's right. which brings me to the next point;

2. the price is too unrealistic. lets get serious people. you want people to not download. you want people to pay for creative talent. but then you make each music cd $24.00 and the anime videos easily fetching prices in their hundreds. honestly, compare these amounts for free, do you really need to be a psychologist to understand??? lower the prices. disclose the amount distributors get and the talent gets. why issit so expensive??. Consumers should be given the right to know why they are paying so much. and when i say disclose, in dollars and cents people. Why doesnt the law control the pricing?? example the movies jacked up its ticket pricing to close to $10.00. the public transport sector also jacked up their fares and we see the rise in the prices of alot of things but sadly not our pay. 66.6%, lets hope you do not regret your choice!

3. freedom. i know this last point is futile. i mean who have heard of true democracy and freedom in Singapore. WE ARE A REPUBLIC! we have out internet watched. our tv consumption control. magazines filtered and our songs beeped. simply because we are built by a nation of people who have no self control and require the government to do so. parents in Singapore are too busy to look after their kids. they DONT KNOW how to look after their kids. Hence they have to have policemen to be their babysitters when their kids dont come home at night. why else the whole screening? the demand that government protect them. I wish i could be proud to be part of this nation filled with insecure, complaining, mumbling sheeps that take in watever the country tells them... seriously I wish i could..

about me!!!!

2007-08-18T02:49:00.000+08:00

WAHAHAHA. i went on quiz crazy!!! haha

You Are An INTJ

The Scientist

You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems.
Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized.
You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others.
Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you.

In love, you are always striving to improve your relationship.
You have strong ideas of what love should be like.

At work, you excel in figuring out difficult tasks. People think of you as "the brain."
You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

How you see yourself: Reasonable, knowledgeable, and competent

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Aloof, controlling, and insensitive

What's Your Personality Type?

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!
Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.
If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.
You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

You Are a Light Pink Rose

You represent sweetness and grace.

Your vibe: Kind and gentle

Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend

What Color Rose Are You?

fever moment.

2007-08-18T02:23:00.000+08:00

i can feel the lack of colour on my face. the blood draining. the sudden throbbing.

i am going to faint.

me. fever. today. work. off. tomorrow. thank. you. farah. muakz.

its that time of the year again. where i have my marathon fevers and lethargic sets it. thank you Vin for the fantastic fever youve passed to me. it was what i always wanted. yes.. -_-

so amidst my stone-ness i received a call. 64027538. i thot i recognized the 3 there and thot maybe it is tuition agency calling me. then i look at the time and wonder eh? takkan malam. so i msged budak kecik and asked if it was him. coz seriously i was waiting for an important call. and he replied No. which means it must be someone important then. mental note, call that number tmrw when i wake up.

thank you li.. for feeding me teh tarik and bringing me panadol and helping me with closing. you are AWESOME. *gasp* afterall i know its only you that reads my blog these days. wahaha.. but really, thank you loads! you are the best boyfriend. *smilez*

tired siak!

2007-08-15T18:39:00.000+08:00

fined. injured during practical. loads of paperwork to finish. tight on moolah. need to buy books. what else?!?!?!

spare me..

i hit the tires. i toppled. had the handle bar stabbed me. i skidded. i threw the bike. bleurgh!!! wht do you expect??? i dont know how to ride the damn bicycle!... wahahahhaa

okay school's on the go. im now extremely tired - juggling alot of things at once. school, pract, work, ali, fyp. WAH! very the lah no time for myself. even when im supposed to do work, im writting my blog and wasting my time..

but i love last sunday. i get to sleep all day and do my work slow and steady..

best nye. and peaceful pulak.. uber kewls..

btw i hate budak kecik for being such a pain. now the store's low on another partner. -_- i mean if you want to be at your crappiest by all means, just dont get yourself friggin terminated! eew! so immature. so tak guna.

btw~ who wants to work in starbucks?? just leave your contact on the tagboard.

found a piece of paper among other pieces of papers

2007-08-13T00:52:00.000+08:00

i dont know when i wrote this- i think it was sometime in june. i thot it was kinda pretty.

this heart hurts. this mind numbs. in thought process chained in relentless melancholy. artificial smiles. greet hi-s. how are you? how was your day? mine's screwed. like grey clouds over rocky mountains near foggy seas. do you understand me? why do i love you? why do i love you? sometimes i dont want to understand or be understood. like lost. like what is the point?. *sigh* publish my emotions on the newspaper. why should i shut up? why should they know? contradiction. instability. uncertainty. lost. confidence? hardly. im sad. ive realised that. im stuck. so it seems. im not inlove anymore. not the way i used to be.
take me away. bring me somewhere
where the unicorns still prance
and the rabbits do the breakdance
where rainbows are in monochrome
yet melancholy issint a second habit.

deep

the night with the gurls

2007-08-11T06:05:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

thank you sayangs :)

it was kewl!

feelings (perry como style)

2007-08-08T01:08:00.000+08:00

gawd how easily you make me float. even after calamaris and chicken wing sets. hahaha.

btw i was looking at damiri's friendster profile, and i caught myself thinking- he wasnt so bad. and funny how i didnt get over him until not too long ago. but it was nice looking at photos of him with somebody new. its a different kind of peace. like im glad he looked happier than the last time he met me.

sometimes i wonder would it be the same this time round?

either way, i have found my way home. and im glad i got lost only for awhile. i cried. i was scared. confused. but ive got friends, folks and even li. i guess God doesnt really hate me that much huh?

thank you

baybeats 2007

2007-08-04T02:43:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: November 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.
You're good at so much - you never know what to do.
Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.
You are destined for a life of travel and fun.

Your strength: Your likeability

Your weakness: You never feel satisfied

Your power color: Bright yellow

Your power symbol: Asterisk

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

baybeats was awesome dok!!!

i couldnt believe it. that was prolly the first time i heard azmyl yunor live! kewls.. plain sunset live! kewls.. dammit.. and he was there. uber kewls!! *grinz*

it was just like last year love. you there. me there. only this time you dun need to hold me close. i was there on my own.

we're all alright!!!

2007-08-03T05:19:00.000+08:00

once its out there, and we broke up, i dunno what i could tell myself.

sometimes things are better off not said. other times it is best said. so i guess things does turn out differently. between morning to tonight, ive, weve decided to take it to another level. for now i collect the mushrooms and he'll be collecting those boxes with red crosses. coz the next level we take, we are going to meet the boss!!!

myself

2007-08-01T04:13:00.000+08:00

its been a while since ive written an entry like this. i got this at 4 in the morning amidst listening to my friend's band play. awesome shit - i mean my friend's band. neways enjoy. comment if youd like.

i look at myself lately
and i asked who are you over and over
again i dissappoint myself
what happened to my happily ever after
why did you say the things you say
do the things you said youd never
and then i lost myself again
sitting alone cold and shiver
how did it turned out so differently
the plan sounded so darn clever
so i look at myself lately
and it seems she's gone today, tmrw and ever.

ps: yea shit its deep.

the poppy that looks like its giving the finger

2007-08-01T02:02:00.000+08:00

oh no. im hurt and all alone. and it is giving me the finger!

wahahahaha!

okay im burning my sleep to watch that 70's show. awesome flick doods!
next week school starts officially and im practically psyched! i would get to see all the kids and my fyp would finally launch. woo hoo.. damn the research materials sucks online. i cant find nuts. oh well i guess id call my mentor again regarding some books. and regarding the synthesis of polymers. ive been uber busy these days. have to cut down my shifts at work. and focus.

one more year baby! one more year!

wooo hooo!!!

rewind

2007-07-29T13:43:00.000+08:00

stop. press rewind.

there are things you wish you could rewind. you wish you could die. you wish you didnt start smoking. you wish you never stepped into st james. you wish you never worked in starbucks. you wish you didnt have a relationship with a certain partner of yours. you wish you didnt spray the pesticide on your mom. you wish you never fought with your boyfriend. you wish you could die. it is these moments sometimes- most times i didnt do. regret? prolly... but most importantly, you wish you could do the things you want to do and undo.

this is the best kiss in your life... so far...

2007-07-28T14:30:00.000+08:00

gawd i miss the good old days.

i was looking at some old photos. of myself, my friends, li- just about everyone. and i miss the good old days. the ones where it is not tainted or spoilt. just clean good fun. damn i miss them. without the photos.. i reckon id prolly forget half the fun times i had.

cheers to all the smiles we've acquired thus far.

ps.: shee, i gawd damn miss you! along with az and everyone else... hai~

swollen foot

2007-07-26T02:25:00.000+08:00

alermak naat.. bodoh larh ko!

my friggin foot ache- swollen... and thank gawd for my knight in shining armour, mr ali eimran, for that wonderful foot rub in the wee hours of the morning... if it wasnt for that foot rub- i think i would actually be pissed with the lot of them from shaw towers that couldnt replace me when im in need.

in silence to all my partners - fuck you!!!!! -_-

missing

2007-07-19T01:31:00.000+08:00

grow up

gawd i miss you so much. i miss you. miss you.. miss you... arrrghhhhhh!!!!

have i lost my spark? and how many times have i heard people from my past tell me ive changed these days. youre just not as fiesty now.. you are the opposite of witty, confident and happy now.. hate to be the bearer of bad news darlings.. but im right now fresh from a turmoil. and now im on tumble dry... i dont think i would ever be the same naat.. the one apparently so popular. muahahaha.. the one prolly everyone preferred... at least to hang around with. and suppose i did loose my spark. lost my drive even. and even will to live *gasp*..

and for those who hve heard my woes for the millionth time these few months, no, it is not about my relationships. its alot about me. which caused the relationship problems to begin with. all these while i have an aim. somewhere to go towards.. you know like a fly towards a light.. but just that now im flying in the dark. i hear people talk to me. i hear some even try to help me. so much that even they got hurt and i got confused. but i suppose this time its solo.

i need to find my own purpose in life.

lets fake it till we make it

2007-07-08T23:57:00.000+08:00

camera. pose. smile.

i think im going thru a quarter life crisis. so that means i would live till the age of 84. -_-

sometimes i wish i would just stop being so darn sensitive. naat bunga larh skrg. wat to do? i've been meaning to ask myself why the hell do i care these days. since when did i start to think too much about unecessary things? i miss the times that i was so carefree. was even called cold by someone even. what happened? haiz~

you'd get lost in your head and you wish you could get out.

i have to get myself together by august. im supposed to be doing my project but in the end ive been working almost everyday and burning my hols in return. does anyone care??? sheesh. why do i even bother to ask?

so how was your day sir?

fuck it. it dont mean shit. potty mouth me. but its true. no one really cares how you are doing. or how you feel? or what you do? so why bother? making conversation. being nice. what good has being nice done me?

i found a canon camera.

oh yea.

a step forward. two steps backwards.

2007-07-06T01:47:00.000+08:00

black and white. why cant everything be black and white??!!!!

just when its all clear. just when things are better. it seems like it would never be better with you. should i for your sake, for mine, just let you go and in turn let myself go?
is that what you really want? damn it. why must this get so damn complicated?

go away. all of you.

uchigawa ni tomaru rousoku

2007-07-05T00:01:00.000+08:00

your fragile, folded wings
are just tired from the pure blue sky
you dont have to force your smiles for anyone
its okay to smile... for yourself

that lonely feeling keeps creeping up on me
a single candle burns still inside
there shouldnt be n expensive chandelier in a wild place like this
can i really bury it all with empty words?
i dont even know anymore...

as long as we can swim freely in our dreams
we wont need that sky anymore
even if you can't let go of the past
i'll still be there to meet you tomorrow

your fragile, folded wings
are just tired from the pure blue sky
you dont have to force your smiles for anyone
its okay to smile... for yourself

A.O.K.

2007-07-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

its been a wonky few months

This time I thought I'd listen and the story goes...
I am the same without medicine
I can't pretend it never ends

I'm fine, I'm fine
These words are all I have to hide behind
So get behind me, you have no right to say..
I shut my mouth and walk away from the memory game
So don't forget, don't forget I am the reason

Long lasting this obsession from sleepless mays to denver cold
Somewhere in-between, I threw myself away

Someday you'll understand that everything is A.O.K.
Someday you'll understand that everything is A.O.K.

I shut my mouth and walk away from the memory game
So don't forget, don't forget I am the reason
(It's funny when you say you're A.O.K.)
(It's funny when you say you're A.O.K.)

I'm fine, I'm fine
These words are all I have to hide behind
So get behind me, you have no right to say..

I shut my mouth and walk away from the memory game
So don't forget, don't forget I am the reason

I shut my mouth and walk away from the memory game
(It's funny when you say you're A.O.K.)
So don't forget, don't forget I am the reason
(It's funny when you say you're A.O.K.)

Someday you'll understand that everything is A.O.K. (you're A.O.K., you're A.O.K.)
Someday you'll understand that everything is A.O.K. (you're A.O.K)